June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Pronouns made that a little less clear. TaraMonster Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. All rights reserved. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. GatorGirl definitely not enough information here. Plan a trip to visit your family. Eh. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Yes, this. Hes going to choose you. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. allathian If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Go to a zoo! January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. We were together but doing our own thing. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. Will.i.am And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) Make plans for activities. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. I have friends who are engaged and live together. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. I can see it both ways. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. Okay okay. But come on, man! lets_be_honest My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Same goes for his family out in Queens. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. I hate having family stay over at our house. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. That was what I meant. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. Oh yeah I forgot about that. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . . Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. GatorGirl I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. I agree. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. Im in the same situation as well. Francine January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. allathian He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. tbrucemom Pretty much. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. John Rohan I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. So much fun and its free! NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. ele4phant Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. Could that be why theyve been there so much? January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. i really disliked him. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Yes. Bike riding? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. ReginaRey Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. Five months later I was pregnant. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. AKchic . for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) It would be a lot of some, but we like it. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. Then you may just be spending too much time together. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. 1. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. 2. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Does that make sense? I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. LolaBeans Different strokes for different folks. CottonTheCuteDog and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. ForeverYoung Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. or just dinner? And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. Like he was programmed that way. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Ergo, off to the parents home. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). maybe im misunderstanding you. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. So its not like every.single.weekend. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. 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